Tag: wondering

What do you think?

Do you think you could love me just like this?

with acne scars that are hard not to notice.

Do you think you could love me just like this?

with internal monologues that don’t lean towards bliss.

Do you think you could love me just like this?

with eyes reflecting murky brown irises.

Do you think you could love me just like this?

with big wrists.

Do you think you could love me just like this?

with a tendency to vanish.

Do you think you could love me just like this?

Oh, how I wish.

–S.

A Letter to my Dead Grandfather.

What if you never left?

I saw a picture of you holding me as a baby.

But I’ve never felt that.

My mom says that you talked to me as a baby.

But I’ve never heard that.

You’d have more than a little to drink every night.

But I’ve never smelled that.

Word on the street is that whatever needed fixing, you were the man.

But I’ve never seen that.

If you ever cooked,

I’ve never tasted it.

You died. I have no memories. How can I feel a connection to you?

When we visited grandma eleven years ago, I found a box of pictures in the room I was supposed to be sleeping in. As everyone slept, I lined the pictures up on the carpet. Some were of you when you were younger. Some were of grandma. Some were of you two together. They were all in black and white.

I wished that you could reach out to me. Say something. Anything.

Let me know you are here. I wonder what kind of life you imagined for me.

Life is confusing and complicated.

When grandma died, your daughters stopped speaking to one another. I wonder if my aunt even knows about the box full of pictures. I wonder if they are collecting dust underneath the bed. I wish she would have sent half of them to me. I know that I would’ve stared at them for hours. I would’ve wondered if your smile was real. I would have searched for clues. I would’ve run my fingers down every picture.

Mom sometimes tells me stories about you that she remembers.

I know what it is like to love a person you’ve never met.

I know what it is like to miss a person you’ve never known.

Grandpa.

Where are you?

–S.

Have you ever?

Have you ever wanted to stuff everything you could into a backpack and get on the next bus running?

Look out of of the window until everything blurs into one?

Not even have to think?

See if the wind feels differently against your skin somewhere else. See if the sun rises using different colors. See if the smile that people give you actually reaches their eyes. Find out if the night sounds play a different melody.

Does the moon still watch you?

I am here,

but I am also on the bus.

I am still running.

–S.