I disappear.
I disappeared.
I was disappearing.
And then he saw me.
In all of my flawed glory.
And I tried.
Tried, but was not successful in tearing my eyes away.
I fade.
I faded.
I was fading.
And our first kiss breathed life into my throat.
To my lungs.
To my stomach.
To my spine.
Ears.
Fingers.
Liver.
Toes.
Eyes.
Thighs.
Arms.
Hair.
And into my heart.
–S.
Writing about 2018 and going into 2019.
There are some years that break your heart.
Then there are years that break your heart open.
This year broke my heart open.
Sometimes you love someone who doesn’t love you back. Sometimes you never receive the apology you think you deserve. Sometimes you wake up and life chews you up and spits you out before you even get to start your breakfast taco.
Sometimes a person you trusted, disappoints you or burns the bridge of trust. Sometimes you don’t get picked. Sometimes the thank you never comes. Sometimes you get overlooked. Sometimes pain you thought you got over or you buried bubbles to the surface. These things you buried, they took root and grew – into things you maybe weren’t exactly ready for. And you face them.
You don’t get to know.
You don’t get to know the whys or the whens. So, you make your way through the only way you know how, graceful some-days and like a train-wreck on the other days. You live your way through it. You grow your way through it.
So, I stand away.
Better than I was before, I think.
Despite all of the things I thought unimaginable and hard to get through.
I don’t know the whos or the whats or the hows or whens or whys of 2019. But it’s coming anyway. We’re never really ready for it, are we? As much as we plan and wish and hope and dream and fantasize – life never turns out how you think it will.
–S.
Excerpt from a recent birthday card to my friend.
This day – today – is our BEST day.
Yesterday is gone. It’s never coming back.
Tomorrow isn’t promised.
So, we can plan, write, hope, dream, wish, and fantasize about the future, and that’s all good and well, but all any of us really have is the 24 hours in front of us. And for some of us who woke up today, we might not get to complete our full 24 hours.
Some people didn’t wake up today. Some people lost a loved one today. Somebody was raped today. Somebody miscarried a child today. Somebody found out their partner fell out of love with them today. Somebody’s son was shot today. Somebody’s daughter was kidnapped today. Somebody was handed divorce papers today. Somebody found out their husband was cheating on them today. Somebody found out their wife is pregnant by somebody else today.
So, we need to really start counting our blessings. What we DO have versus what we don’t.
We need to practice gratefulness daily.
It’s obviously easier to have an attitude of gratitude when you feel good about yourself, when you’re happier. But through times of sorrow, of grief, of pain and heartache, we have to maintain those things that we are grateful for.
I know I’ve said – I understand why someone would not want to be here anymore, but I DO want to be here.
Sometimes it gets so dark, and the light is hard to find. It feels as if it might never shine on you again, but we have to realize that the light comes from within. That we are the light. We are the answer.
You’re so beautiful. Don’t roll your eyes or laugh, hear me out here. People tried to break you down. They used you. They manipulated you. Your giving heart and your kind spirit, they took advantage of it. But you persevered anyway. You stayed beautiful inside. You never switched up. You never let the losers and the cheaters and the beaters and the abusers and the fraudulent souls change your light inside.
Did the flame flicker? Yes it did. Does it shine as brightly as it probably should? Not always. But does it shine? Despite all the odds stacked against you. Your spirit is unbreakable, that’s one of the main reasons you are so beautiful. Your resilience.
A TRUE Queen.
–S
You already love yourself. You just forgot that you do.
You’re the only person who shows up for you daily.
You put yourself to sleep. You bathe yourself. You face the cold world daily. You rise in the morning despite your exhaustion. You feed yourself. You hydrate yourself. You pick yourself up off the ground when you’re crying. You wipe your own tears. You walk through the pain. But now, fall IN love with yourself.
We can’t change any of what happened.
It’s all done.
We can only change today.
But that’s okay – it’s all part of our story.
I know you’re tired, but I need you to hold on just a little while longer. We’re almost there. Stretch out your hands. I can almost feel it with my fingertips.
Happiness. Here. Now.
It’s right there over the horizon.
We’ve traveled so long to get here. We’re almost there. We’re on our way.
I wanted to introduce you to someone, or rather reintroduce you to someone you met a long time ago,
You.
I know you tried to deny YOU, but you are UNDENIABLE.
–S.
Excerpt from a letter that now almost seems like it was written in a past life.
I’ll miss your stories. I’ll miss fighting with you.
I’ll miss your deep voice. I’ll miss knowing you.
I’ll miss hearing your smile through the phone. I’ll miss you calling me on your lunch break.
I’ll miss falling asleep to your text messages. I’ll miss waking up to your text messages.
I will miss everything so fucking much.
God, it’s really over.
My heart is so heavy.
It is so so tired.
–S.
An excerpt from a letter that I wrote years ago to my then best-friend who went into the Air Force.
I asked your mom for your address a week ago, and then nothing. Because a part of me doesn’t know what to say to you. I don’t want to say anything. Another part of me wants to tell you everything that has happened since I turned twenty-three. I want to be your friend.
For a really long time now, probably ever since you left, I’ve been angry with you. I think we’ve done a shit job of keeping our friendship alive. I know that I’ve been a shitty friend, holding on by a thread.
I’m a hard person to love. You’re a hard person to love too.
But I also know that you’re currently doing one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in your life.
I know that you’re scared. I know that you are lonely. I know that you are determined, and that you have that mean mug on. That someone forces you to be a morning person every single day. I know that you miss downloading music. I know that you want to watch One Tree Hill. I know these things. I know that you would never admit them. I know that for even five minutes, it probably feels good to hear from an old friend.
I told my cousin that I didn’t feel very close to you, and that I didn’t know the words to say. She said to just talk. About life. To be a friend – because we all need a friend. We all just want to talk and know that someone cares. Even us, those people who have spent a lifetime shutting everyone out. Because no one measures up, right? Wrong.
It turns out that we are not supposed to measure up to anything. We are just supposed to be human.
–S.
Letter from 2014.
Grandma,
I get it now. A crush. Butterflies. Real feelings. I’ve always thought that the feelings I had for boys in the past were real. But that’s it – they were feelings for a boy. Feelings for a man are different. It’s a different ball game. A ball game that I don’t know any of the rules too. Nor have I practiced.
I can’t tell you what is going to happen with us in the future because I don’t know. However, I can tell you that what I feel now, in this moment – and all of the moments that have come before it with this man.
It’s like life is all that it ever was – but everything is heightened. I feel everything deeper. I smile wider. My laugh is louder. The curve of my spine straightens as I stand higher. It’s like I’m in on this secret that only I really know – and it’s the juiciest secret anyone has ever kept.
I get it now. The butterflies. It’s like when he is not around – they flutter softly in remembrance of the times that we have had. When he is near – they flutter wildly. Almost as if they want to burst out because they are excited to see him too. They want to embrace him with me.
When I haven’t heard from him or we have introduced tension into our relationship – it’s as if they are dead. Their wings fall to their sides. Colors fading.
We are not together,
but it feels like I am his.
I am humbled by this experience.
Thankful.
Sometimes I wonder if he is my one.
If this is my forever.
Regardless – I have made a promise to myself that if I have to encounter pain in the future because of our divide then I will greet it with a gratefulness for all of the things he has taught me.
I love you.
I feel like I cry easily now. Not necessarily from sadness. Just life. A good emotional mess. And I imagine that you are living in my tear ducts. Then you make your way onto my eye lashes and slide down my face. This is how you are watching the world now.
Thank you for this treasure.
–S.
The Messy Middle 🖤 