Tag: transformation

Taking Up Space.

Not your usual before and after, but this journey for me is about embracing all of the things about myself that I don’t like and turning them into loves.

I wear a size 12W.

As if the 12 is not enough, my feet are also wide, probably because I live in Texas and flip-flops are life.

Everything about me just always seemed so big. If I could have somehow made myself invisible, I would have.

I never knew how to take up the space that I do. That seems like a really wierd statement when I read it back to myself, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

I just felt tall, and awkward, and big, and there. I wanted to not be as noticeable, fade into the background like a nice clock on the wall, but there I was, in all of my glory.

These ‘big’ things about myself just made me feel…not feminine. In my head, to qualify as feminine, I felt I had to be petite, and everything about me had to be small.

But there are so many of us in so many different shapes and sizes, that means that statement is just simply not true.

So, shoes were never something I fell in love with like most women. They were even worse to shop for than clothes. This made special occasions or even bowling something to dread.

I decided to revamp my shoe space – from a pile of clown shoes to an organized section of my bedroom – and I also added some fun shoes to my collection like platform sneakers, cheetah, gold, and even sequins.

I’m going to take up space in style.

Today, I’m wearing some cheetah print flats to work and the compliments have been rolling in.

My feet might be long and wide, and I won’t be able to change that – but I can still take up space with them fashionably.

They’ve taken me wherever I’ve needed to go during my 31 years on this earth.

So, they are pretty damn special and beautiful when I think about it.

I’ve also been stealing glances at my new shoe area in my room and smiling.

It feels like I’m finally starting to grow into the space that I take up and own it.

–S.

Sorry Mama, but tonight I’m cleaning out my closet.

It was a pretty disheartening day yesterday, but this journey is all about transparency and authenticity for me, so I wanted to share my truth.

I’ve been meaning to clean out my closet for a while now. It’s overflowing with what seems like nothing that I want to wear and nothing that I feel good in.

I read somewhere that your closet should make you want to dance. My closet makes me want to cry.

So, yesterday, I took all of the clothes out of my closet and lifted them up one by one.

I saw crop tops, sheer tops, why did you ever buy these tops, burn these tops, use these as a rag tops, I will fit into these one day tops.

I saw muffin top pants, walking through a creek pants, never seen the light of day shorts, never fit over my thighs workout tights, I will fit into these one day bottoms.

The list goes on and on.

With more items in the donation pile than in the keep pile, I was feeling pretty awful.

I’d wasted all this money buying clothes for myself that I WISHED I’d fit into, or what I WANTED to look like, but nothing that I truly would or could wear.

I only let myself keep one box of – I really love this and might fit into this eventually clothes.

So, five bags for donation and a whole lot of self-pity later…I honestly feel lighter.

I WANT to and CAN wear everything in my closet now.

I don’t have to sift through all of the bullshit anymore.

I also splurged on a few new pieces and added those to my closet – clothes that fit, not clothes that fit a fantasy of who I think I should look like.

So, I don’t know that my closet necessarily makes me want to dance yet, maybe tap my foot and nod my head to the beat, but I’m done looking like I’m ready to attend a funeral, and now I can get ready for the party instead (let’s be real…the party of life).

Anyway, that’s my truth.

–S.