You make me happy.
I don’t know why I can’t just shut off my brain and keep my heart working instead.
Scientifically, because one cannot function without the other.
I want to be one in this happiness. I want to live in it.
I want to dwell in it, but my brain develops pictures of the future, and I can’t see you in them.
I’ve packed your bags, although you’ve just arrived.
They say what we love, we leave behind.
Maybe, I just won’t tell you that I love you.
–S.
My heart is heavy tonight because I realize that it may never happen again.
Not that I want it to, but I may never find another connection like the one that I have with my best friend who moved away.
Not that I’m searching, but we live in that kind of society now.
Maybe it’s the generation that I am a part of.
I went out to eat with someone today – which I don’t do often these days – and they seemed so disinterested in what I had to say.
I’d say things that I’d tell her.
I’d refer to things that she would know.
Only to find out what I already knew – that this person wasn’t her.
We like superficial things now. We interact with people at work. We interact with people at school. We interact with people at the grocery store. We interact with people at the drive-thru. But anything more than this – is simply too much for you to ask us to do.
It’s too deep.
Depth scares us.
If there is no depth, it’s easier for you to rid yourself of that person.
It breaks my heart that lifetime friendships are a rarity in this day and age.
We meet seasonal people – over and over again.
We all search for it.
Connections.
Our Heart – Our Soul – Our Spirit – Our Mind.
They all yearn to be connected to something. Not necessarily romantic in nature. But just simply the comfort of knowing that one day you might not have a god damn thing to say or won’t know how to say what you need to say and that person will understand completely.
For generations to come, I wish you friendships with the depth of an ocean.
–S.
I am walking with your ghost again,
through fields filled with weeds, abandoned store parking lots, and cemeteries you now call home.
I am walking with your ghost again,
through empty playgrounds, the haunted city asylum, and the forest where you told me your first secret.
I am walking with your ghost again, through buildings where our laughter no longer echoes, on rusty train tracks, to the last place we were whole.
I am walking with your ghost again,
but you are fading as the sun is climbing the sky.
I am walking along again,
bracing myself for your millionth goodbye.
–S.
That summer, he shaved his beard off.
She cut her hair.
Running his hand through her short hair, he said ”I loved your long hair, why did you cut it?”
She laughed and said, ”I tried to cut you out of it,” with sad eyes.
And he stared at her – like he’d tried to cut her out of his beard, too.
–S.
At the end of the day – as much as I hate to say it – we are not meant for each other.
It would be unfortunate for us to force something that was never meant to be.
When love comes for me, I won’t have to enhance it by painting it more beautifully in my mind.
Love will paint me – in brighter colors, I will be born again.
Although it was never me, I hope you find whatever it is you’re searching for.
I wish your heart peace, and I hope you’re able to trust another with your heart.
Love is not meant to be a one-sided emotion. That’s why it hurts so much for many of us, you know? When you are in love together, that’s what the songs are about.
I know that music is very important to you – as it is for me.
So, I hope you find your love song. May it never lose its charm.
Each time you play it, may it bring you every last feeling and sensation that you felt the very first time you heard it.
–S.
Sometimes,
it feels like I have missed you for a thousand lifetimes.
Always,
almost having you.
Never,
completely.
–S.
I dreamed that we could always be that close.
That I would always be the one that your heart desired, that it loved.
That we played together, that we laughed.
That when one of us was down, the other was always around to bring them up.
I dreamed of giving my virginity to you.
of you being the one for me, forever.
Just one. The first and the last.
I dreamed of you as the perfect husband and devoted father.
Affectionate.
I dreamed that our chemistry never faded.
That it always burned as brightly as it ever did.
I dreamed your laugh forever.
I dreamed your smile.
I dreamed your love.
I dreamed your touch.
I dreamed your weight on top of me.
–S.
I was disappointed to find out that nothing had changed.
That within me there still lived this thing, something that always wanted to please you.
I hate that and that is the truth.
I can’t be your friend. I actually don’t want to be.
I would be – in an ideal universe where my head could un-think what it thought about you and erase all of the memories.
I would be – in an ideal universe where my heart could un-feel what it felt for you.
I would be – in an ideal universe where my soul didn’t feel like it was supposed to be connected to yours forever.
That is what I will miss the most – my friend.
For most, well all situations, I usually say that I wouldn’t change anything about the way the events played out because of the experience and the lessons that I learned along with it.
But, I would undo this one.
I want you to know that I would undo it all to ensure that we could always be friends.
As with most things, my mind added fresh paint over the pictures of us, the memories of us, the fantasies of us, the daydreams of us.
My daydreams and fantasies creating the perfect encounters.
However, they never actually existed.
At least not in the way that I painted them to be.
In another life, maybe.
In this life, never.
–S.
Even if we lived in the ghetto, it would be all good. You’re my suit of armor, I’d survive in the hood.
Even if flowers were nonexistent in our yard, you’re my dozen roses and a greeting card.
Even if our car sat on two flats, you’re my range rover – leather, and all black.
Even if we used candles most of the time to supply our light, you’re my chandelier keeping the ceiling bright.
Even if our paychecks went to zero right after bills, you’re my two story house, paid off, somewhere in the hills.
Even if police sirens could be heard every night, you’re my comfortable silence every day including tonight.
Even if our walls were bare with no color, you’re my original Michelangelo with hues brighter than the summer.
Even if our cupboards were bare, you’re my stocked pantry – ain’t no room in there.
Even if vacations were never a possibility, you’re my white sandy beach providing serenity.
Thank you for everything that you do, because even if I had nothing, I’d still have everything, and that’s you.
–S.
An overdue apology to myself.
S,
If I was only able to tell you one very last thing, I would simply tell you that I am sorry and I know that you would understand why. I’ve been so very wrong. I’ve spent my entire life putting you last in hopes of making others happy, and where did it get me? It got me here. I was going to write several different letters to various people, several different truths, but I just want to write to you. I want to put you first because I always put you last. From the very bottom of my heart and from the deepest part of my soul, I am so fucking sorry. I can only hope that you can forgive me and that I can repair all of the damaged pieces. I hope you still trust me with your heart and I promise to never fail you again. For twenty-seven years, I overlooked you, I deemed you as less than, someone unlovable, I let you disappear and fade into the background. What can I say, except I’m sorry for every minute that I let you believe that?
I think of the bump on your nose, your blackheads, your hairy face, your stomach rolls, your stretch marks, your bumps, your lumps, your curves, your scars, your acne, the red marks on your face, your chubby hands, your big wide feet, the dark spots between your legs where you chafed because your thighs rub together, your saggy breasts, your flat ass, all of the things that I tore apart in the mirror to make you believe you were less than. All of these things come together to make a breathtaking human being. They come together to make you.
I think of the times you walked, talked, laughed, and sang. I think of how you healed a broken wrist, cuts, wounds, and bruises. I think of how you take care of me – how you bathe me, you feed me, you put me to sleep. I think of how you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste the world. I think of how you make sure I breathe. I think of how you make sure blood and oxygen travel throughout my entire body. How you fight disease and infection. How you fire all of my neurons. How you power all of my organs. How your entire life basically revolves around protecting me. How you continued to love me when I tried to convince you that you were unlovable.
I think of the broken hearts you lived through from friends and lovers alike. How you love to make others laugh, how you love to inspire them to be their best selves. How you love hard. How you love true and honest despite the love given to you. How you never folded when others did. How you provide friendship unparalleled in others. I think of your kindness. Your intelligence. Your strength. Your work ethic. How protective you are about what you love. How you bounced back from failure. How you never tried to be too prideful about your successes.
You blow me away.
You always show up for me. Always. Even when I don’t show up for you. You’re my greatest friend, my first real love, my soul mate and the love of my life. The one person in this whole world, this whole universe, who really does know all of my secrets and the happenings in my head and still has the ability to love me despite everything I’ve ever done and said.
I don’t think I’ve ever said it, but I love you. I’m in love with you all that you are.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I would say it for every second of your life that you couldn’t feel it if it would change something up this point, but there are no take backs in this life. All you can do is try again, hope for the best, and do better in the future.
So, I promise to love you every day moving forward. I will show up for you. I will not fail you. My love will not waver. My love is stronger than all of the forces in this life that choose to fight against it. Nothing will vanquish it, not even death. Because wherever we go after this life, I will love you there too. I will love you after this lifetime, and the next. And the next. And the next. I will love you.
–S.
The Messy Middle 🖤 