Tag: sunnysideupish

I Was Wrong.

As a child, my parents would say hurtful things about my weight. They never flat-out said that I wasn’t beautiful or that I wasn’t worthy of love, but I took the words they did say and basically felt as if I heard them say I wasn’t beautiful and that I wasn’t worthy of love because of my size.

This became part of my identity at a very early age.

My entire identity wrapped itself around these false statements that I gave power to.

I imagine growing around these false statements like your body tissue forms and grows around a breast implant, or a bullet fragment, or a donated organ, or an injury.

They became a living, breathing, part of me.

They became true for me.

But, I was wrong.

So fucking wrong.

They were, and are, false statements.

There is no way that I am worth less than the person standing to my left and to my right anywhere on this earth. There is no way that I am not beautiful.

Today, I choose to give different statements power as I unwrap my identity around these false ideas I have carried about myself for over two decades.

I imagine the tissues dying off as their blood source is taken away.

Today, I made myself breakfast.

I packed my lunch for work. I did an entire skin-care routine.

I made my bed. I am going to go workout after a closing shift.

All this time I thought that I didn’t love myself, but I did.

I was just showing it with unhealthy coping mechanisms that didn’t look too much like love, but I think they did look like someone who was desperately trying to move forward while believing that they were less than.

It looked like a losing fight.

I did these things today as a healthy form of self-care and self-love.

I’m only able to do these things because I actively love myself and want to care for myself.

I am reinventing myself. I am leveling up.

Like a 2.0 version of myself.

I’m taking apart all of the false ideas and negative thoughts that I had about myself to find out who I really am.

I’m coming for all of the energies taken from me.

I’m focusing on turning all of the losses I took into wins.

I’m coming for all of the love I wasn’t given and giving it to myself.

As for weight-loss – I’m going with what feels good.

The idea of an ideal weight, I’m scrapping it.

When I was 16, 170 pounds was my happy space.

I have no fucking idea what my happy space is at 28.

I snatched my weight-loss board off of my closet door.

I ripped up the reward system that I wrote out for every 7.5 pounds down.

I’ll know my happy weight when I fucking get there.

I’m not rewarding myself for weight lost because I’m not going to tell myself that that’s the only reason I deserve to be rewarded.

I gave so much power to so many things that were so wrong.

I was so wrong about everything.

I realize that it is totally okay for an idea you had about yourself to not be true. It is okay for you to realize that it was total and utter bullshit. It’s okay to say you were wrong.

I feel

naked,

afraid,

nervous,

excited.

I’m having to step into who I really am now and it’s terrifying and it’s beautiful.

I could never truly be me because I was always carrying around the dead weight of the dead tissue with me. It weighed me down.

So much of me was wrapped up in lies.

Today, I am more me, than I ever was before.

Like – WILL THE REAL S PLEASE STAND UP?

I don’t know why the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Probably because you’re the only physical – living and breathing – entity on this earth who knows who you really are – you’re the only person who knows who you are at your core. You know every nook and cranny of your mind, heart, and spirit.

So, when you’ve let yourself down, it is like a million hearts breaking.

But the first step to get to the point of forgiving yourself – is to acknowledge the wrongdoing.

Cheryl Strayed wrote in the book Wild –

“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I’d done something I shouldn’t have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I’d done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything differently than I had done? What if I’d actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”

This quote always stuck with me and I finally figured out why.

Because I was so very fucking wrong, but I could still be forgiven.

I did what I did out of survival.

Emotionally eating. Being hyper-critical of myself. The men I dated. The friends I kept. The money I spent.

I did what I did because it was the only thing I knew.

But I can still be forgiven.

So, I forgive myself today.

Because I didn’t know better than, but I do now.

I always loved myself, just not in the way that was best for me.

But it was the only way I knew how to love then.

Today, I know better.

Today, I am forgiven.

I imagine that flowers are now growing in the places where the tissue died off.

–S.

Breaking Open.

Writing about 2018 and going into 2019.

There are some years that break your heart.

Then there are years that break your heart open.

This year broke my heart open.

Sometimes you love someone who doesn’t love you back. Sometimes you never receive the apology you think you deserve. Sometimes you wake up and life chews you up and spits you out before you even get to start your breakfast taco.

Sometimes a person you trusted, disappoints you or burns the bridge of trust. Sometimes you don’t get picked. Sometimes the thank you never comes. Sometimes you get overlooked. Sometimes pain you thought you got over or you buried bubbles to the surface. These things you buried, they took root and grew – into things you maybe weren’t exactly ready for. And you face them.

You don’t get to know.

You don’t get to know the whys or the whens. So, you make your way through the only way you know how, graceful some-days and like a train-wreck on the other days. You live your way through it. You grow your way through it.

So, I stand away.

Better than I was before, I think.

Despite all of the things I thought unimaginable and hard to get through.

I don’t know the whos or the whats or the hows or whens or whys of 2019. But it’s coming anyway. We’re never really ready for it, are we? As much as we plan and wish and hope and dream and fantasize – life never turns out how you think it will.

–S.

Royal.

Excerpt from a recent birthday card to my friend.

This day – today – is our BEST day.

Yesterday is gone. It’s never coming back.

Tomorrow isn’t promised.

So, we can plan, write, hope, dream, wish, and fantasize about the future, and that’s all good and well, but all any of us really have is the 24 hours in front of us. And for some of us who woke up today, we might not get to complete our full 24 hours.

Some people didn’t wake up today. Some people lost a loved one today. Somebody was raped today. Somebody miscarried a child today. Somebody found out their partner fell out of love with them today. Somebody’s son was shot today. Somebody’s daughter was kidnapped today. Somebody was handed divorce papers today. Somebody found out their husband was cheating on them today. Somebody found out their wife is pregnant by somebody else today.

So, we need to really start counting our blessings. What we DO have versus what we don’t.

We need to practice gratefulness daily.

It’s obviously easier to have an attitude of gratitude when you feel good about yourself, when you’re happier. But through times of sorrow, of grief, of pain and heartache, we have to maintain those things that we are grateful for.

I know I’ve said – I understand why someone would not want to be here anymore, but I DO want to be here.

Sometimes it gets so dark, and the light is hard to find. It feels as if it might never shine on you again, but we have to realize that the light comes from within. That we are the light. We are the answer.

You’re so beautiful. Don’t roll your eyes or laugh, hear me out here. People tried to break you down. They used you. They manipulated you. Your giving heart and your kind spirit, they took advantage of it. But you persevered anyway. You stayed beautiful inside. You never switched up. You never let the losers and the cheaters and the beaters and the abusers and the fraudulent souls change your light inside.

Did the flame flicker? Yes it did. Does it shine as brightly as it probably should? Not always. But does it shine? Despite all the odds stacked against you. Your spirit is unbreakable, that’s one of the main reasons you are so beautiful. Your resilience.

A TRUE Queen.

–S

A Death in 2014.

My eyes haven’t let the tears fall. I am afraid that if they do – they would never stop.

It was an extraordinary day. We were high on coca-cola and all you can eat pizza. We gathered our tickets together and traded them for a whoopee cushion, three lollipops, a soldier with a parachute, a ball with Patrick’s face on it (Spongebob’s BFF), a yellow plastic man that sticks to the wall when you throw him, a Styrofoam plane, a hand fan with a butterfly design, and a metallic blue spring.

We stepped onto the landmines late in the evening, The first blow took us by surprise. Bringing us to our knees. Frantic voices, mouths moving, unheard words. The blast blew our eardrums out.

We didn’t need the ability to hear to know that more blasts were coming. Every hurried step triggered another blast.

He was dead.

And that is what it has felt like every day since we found out.

The landmines keep exploding. The shrapnel surrounds us. Cuts into the deepest parts of our hearts.

People keep talking. Smiling. Embracing us.

Life is what it has always been.

Wake up. Pee. Brush your teeth.

Shower. Dry off. Get dressed.

Eat breakfast. Walk to the car.

Start the car. Go to work.

Finish your shift. Go to school.

Life is what it always was.

Landmines keep exploding.

The earth keeps on turning.

Days will turn into weeks.

Weeks will turn into months.

A year will come.

Our hearing might return.

–S.

English Assignment circa 2019.

I believe in mothers as best friends. I believe in the healing power of a dog’s love. I believe that laughing with someone you love is one of the great joys of being alive. I believe that music is a constant companion. I believe that some of life’s greatest adventures can only be found in a book. I believe that traveling helps you not only uncover more of the world, but hidden parts of yourself. I believe in using painting as a form of therapy. I believe that there isn’t much a dinner filled with Italian and girl-talk cannot solve. I believe that the only real apology is changed behavior. I believe that there are many different forevers – some might last just for a second or two, but they still go on – forever. I believe in the power of words – not only as a form of self-expression, but to prove to you that you are not alone. I believe in sleeping in. I believe in contemporary art. I believe that you are the only one responsible for your own healing. I believe that a good sense of humor can get you through a lot of dark shit. I believe in sunrises. I believe in sunsets. I believe that there is beauty in the mundane. I believe in the magic of ghost towns. I believe in love. I believe in letting go. I believe in the Universe. I believe that cooking a meal from absolute scratch is a form of therapy. I believe in appetizers and dessert. I believe in the power of reinventing yourself. I believe in connecting with someone on a deeper level because you know them from a sister life. I believe that after each heartbreak, you must relearn who you are. Additionally, I believe that you are changed every time you have loved truly. I don’t believe in love at first sight anymore, but I believe in ‘oh, it feels like I’ve known you before’ at first sight. I believe that time is one of the great healers of life. I believe that the ocean is a profound place to bring your grief. I believe in the caress of a breeze or slight wind. I believe that rain should make you feel alive. I believe in deep conversations after midnight. I believe in car rides around the city with your playlist blasting. I believe in still purchasing your favorite movies on DVD. I believe that the emotions I feel when singing my favorite songs are unmatched by anything else. I believe in adding cheese, bacon, and avocado. I believe in squeezing a lemon or lime wedge into my coca-cola. I believe in the sense of unity attending a concert brings. I believe that my dad is the funniest person I know. I believe that I will always give my all to remain close to my baby brother. I believe that nature is a great healer. I believe that sometimes you have to get lost to be found again. I believe that unlearning a lot of the bullshit you thought was true brings you closer to who you really are. I believe that some things are unforgivable. I believe that I’ve never been kissed properly, thoroughly. I believe in the acoustic versions of songs. I believe in poetry slams. I believe that the truth will set you free, it might set some things on fire, but it will set you free.

–S.

Dear Babygirl,

I wish I could tell you that everything worked out the way you thought it would, but it didn’t. It worked out the way it was supposed to, like life always does. It takes a long time for you to learn that.

You work your ass off when it comes to your dreams. You persevere despite all of the odds stacked against you. You laugh. You cry. You love. Sometimes harder than you should. Love is never lost. It always comes back to you. Like energy recycled, and always bigger, brighter, and better than before.

People come, go, and some even stay. You spend a long time searching for some kind of reciprocation from people. Something more. But you find it in yourself. Your heart breaks. You actually break a few hearts yourself. You’re a rock for a lot of people. People don’t know how to handle the funny and strong girl going through a hard time. You become your own rock. More like a crystal. Shining through all of the cracks.

Are you ready for this one? Your mom is your best friend. Crazy, right? But she has always been the string that holds everything together. And when you’re thirteen, your mom gives birth to a healthy baby boy. And everything changes. Life can never be called dull again. Your heart expands and then there’s this boy who looks like you and your mom, and your dad all mixed together with long limbs and a loud voice and a personality of his own. He sighs and rolls his eyes when you tell him about life and all of your childhood photos look like his and you don’t really know where he ends and you begin.

You encounter many people who want to numb pain. So, they have sex with anyone, they get high, they get drunk, anything to not feel. But you feel your way through everything. Even when the pain is so great that it takes your breath away, you warrior your way through it. You spend so much time worrying and being scared and everything always comes out okay, you make sure of it.

You never let a man define who you are. You read thousands of books. You get lost in the words and found again. You place a lot of importance on being smart and not society’s version of what is beautiful. You come into your own. Your happy place is any ghost town or small city.

You learn that your voice and feelings are important and valid. And somewhere along the way, you fall in love with yourself.

I know you’re not going to believe me, but trust me.

I’m writing from the future.

We did okay, kid.

I love you the most.

–S.

English Assignment circa 2008.

I believe that you don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful. I believe that if you are not learning that you are dying. I believe in pulling all-nighters. Eating junk food when you are sad and moments that take your breath away. I believe in love at first sight. Cheap birthday cake and cupcakes. I believe in watching a TV show just because you can hear your father laugh. I believe in sleeping in all summer long. I believe that what your parents say cuts the deepest. The feeling right after a deep conversation. I believe in smiles that don’t go away because of a certain boy. Being famous is overrated. Daydreaming. Texting. Italian food. I believe that laughter is the way into a person’s heart and soul. I believe that there is beauty in everyone. I believe in happy endings. The innocence of a child. Long car rides with loud music. IHOP and mix cd’s that people burn for you. I believe that people should not be allowed to drift away from each other. I believe that the truth will set you free. I believe in best friends that know you better than you know yourself. I believe that love is worth waiting for. I believe in moments you would like to freeze, just so you can play them over and over again. I believe in movies that give you a new outlook on life. I believe that tears don’t show weakness, but just how strongly you felt for something at a certain point in your life. I believe that you cannot hate a person because you will never truly know everything about them. I believe that wars don’t fix things – they separate families. I believe in Bosnia. I believe in wishing on shooting stars or 11:11 just in case. I believe things that are meant to be – always find a way back to each other. The beauty in a summer day. The spirit of someone that passed away. Saving voicemails just to hear that person’s voice. I believe in people that bring out the best in you. First impressions are mostly never true. Wanting something you cannot have. Doing something that you would never do. The words said when no one is speaking. The love of a family that is world’s apart. Things that complete my heart.

Today – I’d like to believe I’m still the person who wrote this.

–S.

IOU.

I could cross the universe a million times in hopes of a love greater than yours and never find it.

Unconditional love is what you provide and I want to spend the rest of my life paying you back for that.

I owe you all of the seeds yet to be planted, every seed currently taking root in the earth and all of the plants and flowers blooming.

–s.

Maybe, Baby.

I used to be a planner. Writing all over calendars. Buying multiple planners. Bucket lists. To-do lists. No spontaneity. Where am I going to be five years from now? I had the answer. 10 years from now? I had that on lock too.

The thing is that life rarely ever goes according to plan, but that’s where the magic happens. That’s where you visit a ghost town. Kiss a man that makes you laugh. Dream a new dream. Go out with a new friend. Dance with your old friends. Find a little black dress. You sing your favorite songs during late night drives. You pick soda instead of salad. Eat out too much. Read too many books. Splurge on a beautiful purse. Spend too much money on make-up. Make the most memories. Do the most living.

You learn from all of the scraped knees and mistakes. You grow.

I think it’s still critical to plan for certain things, but I don’t have everything figured out anymore. And it’s a beautiful feeling. I’m free to do anything and be anyone.

So, I don’t know.

Maybe 10 years from now I’m living in a cabin in Oregon and writing books.

Maybe I have the husband and the 2.5 kids in the two story house.

Maybe I live by the coast and work odd-end jobs.

Maybe I’m a gypsy.

Maybe I’m just me.

–S.

To C.

You are Drake’s Take Care album.

You are driving out to the airport in the middle of the night to look at the lights.

You are belting out old school songs.

You are random dinner dates.

You are genuine laughter.

You are that old thang.

You are the perfect verse over a tight beat.

You are knowing what is going on with me without seeing me for weeks.

I owe you all of the colors in their richest and brightest hues for your artwork.

–S.