Tag: scared

I’m an old fashioned fool when it comes to love.

What I mean by that is – I’d prefer to bump into your cart at the grocery store in the produce section while I’m picking out lettuce – not on Tinder or Plenty of Fish.

That seems to not be the way of the world anymore and it makes it harder for old school fools like me.

Currently: Still waiting at the grocery store for my husband to show up.

Most of my friends are in relationships, married, and/or have kids. Or some combination of that.

The friends who are not in a relationship – are on some form of online dating application.

And from what I’ve been able to gather from their stories over the years – it’s awful.

It goes a little something like this.

The flame is ignited, the wax slowly making its way up and down the sides of the candle.

He lives with his parents right now, but he’s in school. He loves his dog, they’re best friends. A super adorable labradoodle.

He’s working two jobs, such a hard-worker. Saving up to buy a house.

He’s a military vet, currently working towards becoming a police officer.

He’s 30, no kids, a miracle right?

He’s been responding with pretty long messages. The conversation seems to be flowing.

He actually wants to know things about me, hasn’t mentioned sex at all.

The bits and pieces of men you’ve never met intrigue you until you find the one that keeps your attention for longer than one conversation.

The candlelight glows hungrily in their eyes at this point – the ‘Could this really be it, possibly the one?’ Light.

Some meet instantly, others after weeks and months of conversation. Texting turns into phone calls that turn into video chats.

Sometimes you’re lucky to meet in a public place and you’re shocked that you’re actually on a date. Sometimes awkward, sometimes okay.

Sometimes you’re unfortunate and asked to meet at their place and you hesitate because you know this usually means they are only after one thing – sex.

Sometimes your luck is downright shitty shit and you’re asked to meet in a Walmart parking lot or something on the same level of WTF as that.

The flame burns, but it flickers. Not glowing as strongly as it did when your conversation first started – the fantasy in your head not living up to the reality.

The date was awkward and could have gone better, but some conversation is better than no conversation. Plus, aren’t most first dates awkward, anyway?

You really didn’t want to be the girl who has sex on the first night, but the intimacy of a physical human connection keeps your flame burning.

The parking lot is mostly empty, except for an RV Camper, an 18 – wheeler and two handfuls of late night shoppers and employees. Although you both have your own place and there are several places you can think of off the top of your head that you could have stopped into for a bite to eat or a drink that seem better than a Walmart parking lot, the potential that this could be something more propels you forward. Plus, the breeze in the still of the night, the glow coming off of the lights, and the cars zooming past you on the highway could sorta be seen as romantic, right? Right. Positive Thinking.

The flame doesn’t grow as brightly as it once did. We’re almost at the end of the candle.

He never calls or texts after the date. You dissect every second of it. Do you chew with your mouth open? Not that you can recall. Should you have worn the v-neck instead of the higher neckline? Do you look like your profile pictures? Maybe he was disappointed about that.

The conversation dies after the sex, but the sex continues. The only messages he sends now are sexual in nature and wondering when he can see you next to bed you again. You go anyway. Something is better than nothing and maybe the conversation will pick up again.

You’re in his car now, grateful that the parking lot is mostly deserted. While he’s running his hands down your body and grunting in your ear – you can’t help but recall that he never asked for your name. He doesn’t even know your name and he’s spilling himself all over your hand. He groans out an emotionless ‘baby.’ Any optimism or wishful thinking you were feeling dies in the moment he calls you ‘baby.’ And you think that you will never shop at a Walmart ever again.

The flame is dying, the light is leaving their eyes.

I wonder who is closer to love – is it me, hopeful while picking out lettuce or is it the girl with the message notification on her phone from 29 year-old Thomas who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and thinks that’s still a catchy bio?

I don’t know the answer.

I’m just asking.

How do you know when you’re close to love?

How do you know when love has finally decided to pick you?

–S.