Tag: love

Golden Girl.

I was in a pretty dark place when Georgie came along. In more ways than one, she essentially saved me.

We grew separately and together.

I have a very vocal schnoodle, Ringo, and Georgie is a very silent, but hyper dog. I found comfort in her silence as I was battling my own.

We enjoy the same things – food and the outdoors.

You can usually find her in the grass, staring at the sky, or a tree swaying in the breeze, or a bird or a squirrel – just taking it all in.

Although, I’ve taught her a lot of things – to high five, to hug, to sit, to crawl, to jump, to look my way, to roll, she’s the one who taught me the greatest lessons of all:

1. You’re never too old to play.
2. Stop, look around, take it all in.
3. Love Saves.
4. We truly do get by with a little help from our friends.
5. Laughter heals.

I love you with my whole heart for my whole life, Georgie Girl.

–S.

Mama.

I searched and searched and searched for a friendship that would top them all. Someone to love me through my shortcomings, cheer me on during my accomplishments, and make me face the growth that I so desperately tried to avoid.

You were always there.

To hear about a friendship that ended. Or the butterflies that came with the start of a new one.

You never faltered. Your presence always one of the greatest influences in any move I made in my life.

It took me a long time to realize that you are my greatest friend.

I am lucky, honored, and humbled to share this life with you.

I have found you in every life before this one, and I will find you in every life after this one.

–S.

A Death in 2014.

My eyes haven’t let the tears fall. I am afraid that if they do – they would never stop.

It was an extraordinary day. We were high on coca-cola and all you can eat pizza. We gathered our tickets together and traded them for a whoopee cushion, three lollipops, a soldier with a parachute, a ball with Patrick’s face on it (Spongebob’s BFF), a yellow plastic man that sticks to the wall when you throw him, a Styrofoam plane, a hand fan with a butterfly design, and a metallic blue spring.

We stepped onto the landmines late in the evening, The first blow took us by surprise. Bringing us to our knees. Frantic voices, mouths moving, unheard words. The blast blew our eardrums out.

We didn’t need the ability to hear to know that more blasts were coming. Every hurried step triggered another blast.

He was dead.

And that is what it has felt like every day since we found out.

The landmines keep exploding. The shrapnel surrounds us. Cuts into the deepest parts of our hearts.

People keep talking. Smiling. Embracing us.

Life is what it has always been.

Wake up. Pee. Brush your teeth.

Shower. Dry off. Get dressed.

Eat breakfast. Walk to the car.

Start the car. Go to work.

Finish your shift. Go to school.

Life is what it always was.

Landmines keep exploding.

The earth keeps on turning.

Days will turn into weeks.

Weeks will turn into months.

A year will come.

Our hearing might return.

–S.

Dear Babygirl,

I wish I could tell you that everything worked out the way you thought it would, but it didn’t. It worked out the way it was supposed to, like life always does. It takes a long time for you to learn that.

You work your ass off when it comes to your dreams. You persevere despite all of the odds stacked against you. You laugh. You cry. You love. Sometimes harder than you should. Love is never lost. It always comes back to you. Like energy recycled, and always bigger, brighter, and better than before.

People come, go, and some even stay. You spend a long time searching for some kind of reciprocation from people. Something more. But you find it in yourself. Your heart breaks. You actually break a few hearts yourself. You’re a rock for a lot of people. People don’t know how to handle the funny and strong girl going through a hard time. You become your own rock. More like a crystal. Shining through all of the cracks.

Are you ready for this one? Your mom is your best friend. Crazy, right? But she has always been the string that holds everything together. And when you’re thirteen, your mom gives birth to a healthy baby boy. And everything changes. Life can never be called dull again. Your heart expands and then there’s this boy who looks like you and your mom, and your dad all mixed together with long limbs and a loud voice and a personality of his own. He sighs and rolls his eyes when you tell him about life and all of your childhood photos look like his and you don’t really know where he ends and you begin.

You encounter many people who want to numb pain. So, they have sex with anyone, they get high, they get drunk, anything to not feel. But you feel your way through everything. Even when the pain is so great that it takes your breath away, you warrior your way through it. You spend so much time worrying and being scared and everything always comes out okay, you make sure of it.

You never let a man define who you are. You read thousands of books. You get lost in the words and found again. You place a lot of importance on being smart and not society’s version of what is beautiful. You come into your own. Your happy place is any ghost town or small city.

You learn that your voice and feelings are important and valid. And somewhere along the way, you fall in love with yourself.

I know you’re not going to believe me, but trust me.

I’m writing from the future.

We did okay, kid.

I love you the most.

–S.

IOU.

I could cross the universe a million times in hopes of a love greater than yours and never find it.

Unconditional love is what you provide and I want to spend the rest of my life paying you back for that.

I owe you all of the seeds yet to be planted, every seed currently taking root in the earth and all of the plants and flowers blooming.

–s.

To C.

You are Drake’s Take Care album.

You are driving out to the airport in the middle of the night to look at the lights.

You are belting out old school songs.

You are random dinner dates.

You are genuine laughter.

You are that old thang.

You are the perfect verse over a tight beat.

You are knowing what is going on with me without seeing me for weeks.

I owe you all of the colors in their richest and brightest hues for your artwork.

–S.

A Letter to my Dead Grandfather.

What if you never left?

I saw a picture of you holding me as a baby.

But I’ve never felt that.

My mom says that you talked to me as a baby.

But I’ve never heard that.

You’d have more than a little to drink every night.

But I’ve never smelled that.

Word on the street is that whatever needed fixing, you were the man.

But I’ve never seen that.

If you ever cooked,

I’ve never tasted it.

You died. I have no memories. How can I feel a connection to you?

When we visited grandma eleven years ago, I found a box of pictures in the room I was supposed to be sleeping in. As everyone slept, I lined the pictures up on the carpet. Some were of you when you were younger. Some were of grandma. Some were of you two together. They were all in black and white.

I wished that you could reach out to me. Say something. Anything.

Let me know you are here. I wonder what kind of life you imagined for me.

Life is confusing and complicated.

When grandma died, your daughters stopped speaking to one another. I wonder if my aunt even knows about the box full of pictures. I wonder if they are collecting dust underneath the bed. I wish she would have sent half of them to me. I know that I would’ve stared at them for hours. I would’ve wondered if your smile was real. I would have searched for clues. I would’ve run my fingers down every picture.

Mom sometimes tells me stories about you that she remembers.

I know what it is like to love a person you’ve never met.

I know what it is like to miss a person you’ve never known.

Grandpa.

Where are you?

–S.

Dad’s Birthday Card via 2014.

You are peace of mind when I’ve watched a scary movie and can’t go to sleep.

You are words that I don’t want to hear, but need to listen to.

You are sweets after your daily nap.

You have always been very hard on me and with age I have realized it was all to make me better.

Thank you for all of the laughter over the years.

I hope with time I am able to continue to make you proud.

You are a strong man whose sacrifices for his family are endless.

I hope I learn to fear less one day. I hope my future husband can look at me with the same magnitude of love in your eyes when you look at mama.

I owe you all of the video cards in the world.

–S.

Clean.

Bathe me in flowers.

Bathe me with your arms.

Bathe me in your breath.

Bathe me with your flesh.

Bathe me with your love.

Bathe me with your trust.

Bathe me in your honesty.

Bathe me in your nearness.

Surround me with candles.

Surround me with your scent.

Surround me with your dreams.

Surround me with your fantasies.

Build me up with your inspiration.

Build me up with your touch.

Build me up with your promise.

I bask in your glory.

I fall at your feet.

I run my fingers through your hair,

I am home,

I am here.

–S.