Tag: letter

dear harrison,

the ac is out in the corolla and summer’s on her way to texas. lately it seems like a sick metaphor for my life. things dying. i find myself alternating between walking in grief or in fear. we try our best to hold on to everything that crosses our paths, but so much of life is having to let go of those same things. i know that on the other side of grief is acceptance or peace, but when you’re in it, it just feels like the world ending.

i listen to every sound the car makes now like stairs creaking in an old house. that’s what fear does. it makes you hyperaware of everything around you. you’re always waiting for the next big scary thing.

fear is a held breath.

i know that the world has ended for me on many nights and begun again in the morning. realistically i know that i’ll be okay. that no matter how i fall, i’ll still be staring up at the sky.

did you know that rock bottom has a basement?

time for me to crawl now.

all my love, suncica

You are the Sun.

You are the sun creeping up and over the city early every morning.

You are staying up too late during summer break.

You are laughter when I didn’t know it was possible.

You are the warmth deep in my belly reminding me how lucky we are and have been.

When I was younger – I didn’t understand how important it was to be around you – to be present for all of your big moments in life.

Thank you for all of the lessons I have received in return for those I have taught you.

You are the breeze during every spring, the heat in every summer, the wind in the fall, and the cold air coming out of our lungs every winter.

You are everywhere.

You brought life into our family.

A promise saying that each day no matter how hard or long ends in at least a laugh or two.

I didn’t really know what it was like to REALLY love a person until I met you.

–S.

Life after You.

2014.

For a while there, I didn’t listen to any music that had the piano in it.

And that’s my favorite kind of music.

I would imagine your long fingers hitting the keys and all of the people that were there to witness your song.

All of the girls probably swooning over your musical abilities.

I hated them, you know. I hated you.

But as I am writing this – a piano is serenading me.

And you no longer have that hold.

See,

you don’t get to take music.

You don’t get to take real love away from me.

You don’t get pianos and the sounds they make.

You don’t get any hate.

Even though it never feels like it, I know that there is life after heartbreak.

Music still plays.

And the sound of letting go is the most beautiful note I’ve ever heard.

–S.

Flutter.

Letter from 2014.

Grandma,

I get it now. A crush. Butterflies. Real feelings. I’ve always thought that the feelings I had for boys in the past were real. But that’s it – they were feelings for a boy. Feelings for a man are different. It’s a different ball game. A ball game that I don’t know any of the rules too. Nor have I practiced.

I can’t tell you what is going to happen with us in the future because I don’t know. However, I can tell you that what I feel now, in this moment – and all of the moments that have come before it with this man.

It’s like life is all that it ever was – but everything is heightened. I feel everything deeper. I smile wider. My laugh is louder. The curve of my spine straightens as I stand higher. It’s like I’m in on this secret that only I really know – and it’s the juiciest secret anyone has ever kept.

I get it now. The butterflies. It’s like when he is not around – they flutter softly in remembrance of the times that we have had. When he is near – they flutter wildly. Almost as if they want to burst out because they are excited to see him too. They want to embrace him with me.

When I haven’t heard from him or we have introduced tension into our relationship – it’s as if they are dead. Their wings fall to their sides. Colors fading.

We are not together,

but it feels like I am his.

I am humbled by this experience.

Thankful.

Sometimes I wonder if he is my one.

If this is my forever.

Regardless – I have made a promise to myself that if I have to encounter pain in the future because of our divide then I will greet it with a gratefulness for all of the things he has taught me.

I love you.

I feel like I cry easily now. Not necessarily from sadness. Just life. A good emotional mess. And I imagine that you are living in my tear ducts. Then you make your way onto my eye lashes and slide down my face. This is how you are watching the world now.

Thank you for this treasure.

–S.