Tag: honest

Life after You.

2014.

For a while there, I didn’t listen to any music that had the piano in it.

And that’s my favorite kind of music.

I would imagine your long fingers hitting the keys and all of the people that were there to witness your song.

All of the girls probably swooning over your musical abilities.

I hated them, you know. I hated you.

But as I am writing this – a piano is serenading me.

And you no longer have that hold.

See,

you don’t get to take music.

You don’t get to take real love away from me.

You don’t get pianos and the sounds they make.

You don’t get any hate.

Even though it never feels like it, I know that there is life after heartbreak.

Music still plays.

And the sound of letting go is the most beautiful note I’ve ever heard.

–S.

Flutter.

Letter from 2014.

Grandma,

I get it now. A crush. Butterflies. Real feelings. I’ve always thought that the feelings I had for boys in the past were real. But that’s it – they were feelings for a boy. Feelings for a man are different. It’s a different ball game. A ball game that I don’t know any of the rules too. Nor have I practiced.

I can’t tell you what is going to happen with us in the future because I don’t know. However, I can tell you that what I feel now, in this moment – and all of the moments that have come before it with this man.

It’s like life is all that it ever was – but everything is heightened. I feel everything deeper. I smile wider. My laugh is louder. The curve of my spine straightens as I stand higher. It’s like I’m in on this secret that only I really know – and it’s the juiciest secret anyone has ever kept.

I get it now. The butterflies. It’s like when he is not around – they flutter softly in remembrance of the times that we have had. When he is near – they flutter wildly. Almost as if they want to burst out because they are excited to see him too. They want to embrace him with me.

When I haven’t heard from him or we have introduced tension into our relationship – it’s as if they are dead. Their wings fall to their sides. Colors fading.

We are not together,

but it feels like I am his.

I am humbled by this experience.

Thankful.

Sometimes I wonder if he is my one.

If this is my forever.

Regardless – I have made a promise to myself that if I have to encounter pain in the future because of our divide then I will greet it with a gratefulness for all of the things he has taught me.

I love you.

I feel like I cry easily now. Not necessarily from sadness. Just life. A good emotional mess. And I imagine that you are living in my tear ducts. Then you make your way onto my eye lashes and slide down my face. This is how you are watching the world now.

Thank you for this treasure.

–S.

You.

There’s only one you. I could never find you anywhere else in anyone else – because there is only one you.


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That’s the magic. That’s the light.

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They might laugh at my jokes like you do and like a lot of the songs you do and enjoy a tall, dark, and handsome man like you do, but they could NEVER do it like you.

Any of it.

Simply because there will never be another you.

That’s all there is to it and all there will ever be.

You.

You.

You.

–S.