I’m the loneliest,
the onliest,
girl in the world.
I know you only just,
left.
I’m the loneliest,
the onliest,
girl in the world.
I know we’re only just,
friends.
I’m the loneliest,
the onliest,
girl in the world.
I know you’ll only just,
forget.
–S.
Kiss me slow,
when you go.
Love me hard,
only the way you know.
Miss me slow,
let the wanting grow.
Hug me hard,
never let me go.
–S.
Denim on denim.
Hands like velvet.
Mouth like heaven.
Words like venom.
–S.
The bar lights make it alright.
The shame is washed away by the night.
I don’t take it personal even though you speak in slights.
I close my eyes really tight,
and it feels almost like sunlight.
–S.
Please don’t believe everything they tell you.
It was sky for a good while,
and then it was more artic.
Walked right into berry,
swam with indigo,
and dried off with navy.
Then things got lighter,
and it went ocean, teal, sapphire.
Went back to a little darker,
and it went lapis, cobalt, azure.
I think I’ve been every shade of blue.
–S.
For my heart, you’re a maze.
I see you, through a haze.
You burn me, like a blaze.
My head is in a fucking craze.
Starving for you, but I’m just allowed to graze.
Time removes the glaze.
Nothing ever stays.
–S.
I open my purse, and all that is left is a sigh.
In the pocket, a voice whispering why.
In a tin, a few tears collected from a recent cry.
And a list,
with lie,
after lie,
after lie.
–S.
Crush,
I’m a lush when it comes to you.
You make my blood rush, it’s true.
Crush,
I wonder if you notice me too.
–S.
Letter from 2014.
Grandma,
I get it now. A crush. Butterflies. Real feelings. I’ve always thought that the feelings I had for boys in the past were real. But that’s it – they were feelings for a boy. Feelings for a man are different. It’s a different ball game. A ball game that I don’t know any of the rules too. Nor have I practiced.
I can’t tell you what is going to happen with us in the future because I don’t know. However, I can tell you that what I feel now, in this moment – and all of the moments that have come before it with this man.
It’s like life is all that it ever was – but everything is heightened. I feel everything deeper. I smile wider. My laugh is louder. The curve of my spine straightens as I stand higher. It’s like I’m in on this secret that only I really know – and it’s the juiciest secret anyone has ever kept.
I get it now. The butterflies. It’s like when he is not around – they flutter softly in remembrance of the times that we have had. When he is near – they flutter wildly. Almost as if they want to burst out because they are excited to see him too. They want to embrace him with me.
When I haven’t heard from him or we have introduced tension into our relationship – it’s as if they are dead. Their wings fall to their sides. Colors fading.
We are not together,
but it feels like I am his.
I am humbled by this experience.
Thankful.
Sometimes I wonder if he is my one.
If this is my forever.
Regardless – I have made a promise to myself that if I have to encounter pain in the future because of our divide then I will greet it with a gratefulness for all of the things he has taught me.
I love you.
I feel like I cry easily now. Not necessarily from sadness. Just life. A good emotional mess. And I imagine that you are living in my tear ducts. Then you make your way onto my eye lashes and slide down my face. This is how you are watching the world now.
Thank you for this treasure.
–S.
The Messy Middle 🖤 