He orders matcha because she does.
His smile still gives me a slight buzz.
His laughter gives my eyesight a little fuzz.
But he still orders matcha because she does.
–S.
Tag: crush
See you tonight.
I’m a book you put back on the shelf.
Didn’t catch your interest, not worth a second glance.
You’re leaving the store in a hurry, not even worth a chance.
I’m waiting for the next patron.
Yearning to change from single to taken.
I’ll see you in my imagination.
–S.
Myths.
You don’t know that I exist,
but I can’t resist,
dreaming of you.
You don’t know that I exist,
but in my fantasies,
we do.
You don’t know that I exist,
so I curl my hands into fists,
and I don’t reach for you.
–S.
Orange Crush.
Crush,
I’m a lush when it comes to you.
You make my blood rush, it’s true.
Crush,
I wonder if you notice me too.
–S.
Flutter.
Letter from 2014.
Grandma,
I get it now. A crush. Butterflies. Real feelings. I’ve always thought that the feelings I had for boys in the past were real. But that’s it – they were feelings for a boy. Feelings for a man are different. It’s a different ball game. A ball game that I don’t know any of the rules too. Nor have I practiced.
I can’t tell you what is going to happen with us in the future because I don’t know. However, I can tell you that what I feel now, in this moment – and all of the moments that have come before it with this man.
It’s like life is all that it ever was – but everything is heightened. I feel everything deeper. I smile wider. My laugh is louder. The curve of my spine straightens as I stand higher. It’s like I’m in on this secret that only I really know – and it’s the juiciest secret anyone has ever kept.
I get it now. The butterflies. It’s like when he is not around – they flutter softly in remembrance of the times that we have had. When he is near – they flutter wildly. Almost as if they want to burst out because they are excited to see him too. They want to embrace him with me.
When I haven’t heard from him or we have introduced tension into our relationship – it’s as if they are dead. Their wings fall to their sides. Colors fading.
We are not together,
but it feels like I am his.
I am humbled by this experience.
Thankful.
Sometimes I wonder if he is my one.
If this is my forever.
Regardless – I have made a promise to myself that if I have to encounter pain in the future because of our divide then I will greet it with a gratefulness for all of the things he has taught me.
I love you.
I feel like I cry easily now. Not necessarily from sadness. Just life. A good emotional mess. And I imagine that you are living in my tear ducts. Then you make your way onto my eye lashes and slide down my face. This is how you are watching the world now.
Thank you for this treasure.
–S.
The Messy Middle 🖤 