Tag: changing

Soul Talk.

Three years ago.

I’ve always liked to write, especially around my birthdays.

Usually whatever age I turned, I’d write a list of lessons with that number or a list of things I was grateful for.

This year, I didn’t write anything until now because my mind wasn’t in a healthy place.

However, the theme was different – it was 28 truths instead.

I had to really sit down and dig deep for this one. It was truths that I didn’t want to address, but had to in order to change my own narrative.

Some can be changed with simply working towards different, others are going to be more emotional in nature and require forgiveness, healing, and a changing of mindset.

But writing out my truths show me that I’m not done. I’m not stuck. I am capable of changing my life – one truth at a time.

Next, I wrote 28 things that I want to let go of and they all seemed to be false ideas that I’ve been carrying around – about myself and my capabilities.

I’ve always thought of the ocean as a vessel for pain and trauma and grief, but also healing and recharging.

It’s like the ocean holds for you what you need to let go of, so you can be free like the salt water is.

So, I folded up my 28 statements of letting go and dropped them in the salt water and the ocean swallowed them up for me.

Obviously, it’s not as easy as soggy wet printer paper.

But I have intention now.

I’m ready to do the soul work necessary to get to the next level and chapter of my life.

–S.

Party of One.

Several years ago.

Loneliness comes from not knowing your own heartbeat.

You should sit with yourself and your own thoughts.

How can you be lonely when there are so many adventures to be had in your mind?

Some of the greatest moments that I had this year were by myself. Eating out by myself for the first time. Going to the movies by myself and not caring who was wondering when my date or friends might show up or if I really had the balls to come alone.

Working out by myself.

I fell back in love with myself this year – and it’s the greatest relationship that I’ve ever had. Finding comfort in my own skin.

When’s the last time it was just you and you had the best conversation you’ve had in a long time?

–S.

Life begins again.

The winter in Texas seems slow to come like molasses and then somehow, all at once.

Winter has always been my favorite season.

The sounds are clearer and the smells crisper.

It’s more than pumpkin frappuccinos and Christmas lights.

It’s a way of life. Comfort.

Winter is the smell of something crunchy and gooey in the oven,

an extra throw blanket or two on the bed,

the dog at your feet,

leaves crunching under your boots,

body heat warming you,

your breath in the air,

never waking up early enough to scrape the frost off of the windshield,

shorter days,

naked trees,

intimate gatherings,

layers,

laughter,

love,

and light.

It’s been said that life seems to begin again in the Summer, but the opposite must be true.

Life begins again in the winter.

–S.

Do you have these in a size wide?

I’d hated their width and length most of my life. They were anything, but feminine in my eyes. I never got to be obsessed with high-heels or sandals, the way some woman are – because they were so difficult to find.

Now I realize how far they’ve carried me.

How they never failed me.

No matter the circumstance.

–S

A Glass Castle.

Terrifying.

That’s the word that comes to mind when I think of telling someone my deepest insecurities. You’re basically giving someone the power to turn your heart into ground hamburger meat. Although terrifying, you feel such freedom having spoken those insecurities out loud – as if you have given them over to someone else to care of for a while.

You’re somehow lighter.

So, I tell you.

I tell you and I close my eyes really tight and no explosions go off around me. The world doesn’t collapse in on itself. Volcanoes don’t erupt. Streets don’t cave into sink holes.

Everything is still okay. You look at me the way you always have. Nothing seems to have changed.

I’ve lightened my load – unzipped the backpack on my back entitled ‘childhood traumas, bullshit I deem necessary to carry, and emotional baggage’ taken out a few items and handed them over to you.

Nothing seems to have changed, but really – everything has changed.

How could it not have changed?

Not only do you have the power to break my heart, but you have the power to break me.

But I trusted you with that power, A.

I really thought you would never use it. Never wield it against me.

But you do.

And if I could sum up in four words how it made me feel – I would say,

it

blew

me

away.

Into another universe. Completely obliterated me –

blew

me

the

fuck

away.

But if you wanted to know a more detailed explanation of how it devastated me –

I would tell you to imagine a glass castle.

A castle where everything is entirely made of glass.

Mirrors line the glass walls in every glass room.

The day you wielded my deepest insecurities against me like a sword,

all the glass and all the mirrors shattered at the same time.

I imagine you snapping your fingers once and the castle is in shards at my bloody feet.

–

It took me a long time to find the words to say how you hurt me, how you devastated me.

To this day, I still don’t understand why you picked up that sword.

Do you know that it is impossible to rebuild a glass castle from nothing but piles of glass shards?

You have no choice, but to build yourself back up, but stronger.

–

I don’t wish you great pain like the pain you have shown me. I simply wish you whatever the Universe feels you deserve in this life. Whether that is great pain or great joy – is none of my business.

–

You should at the very least prepare yourself for emotional sword-wielding monsters.

Because the Universe’s cousin – Karma, is a motherfucker.

–S.

A Texas Summer.

That summer, he shaved his beard off.

She cut her hair.

Running his hand through her short hair, he said ”I loved your long hair, why did you cut it?”

She laughed and said, ”I tried to cut you out of it,” with sad eyes.

And he stared at her – like he’d tried to cut her out of his beard, too.

–S.

Heavy Heart.

Excerpt from a letter that now almost seems like it was written in a past life.

I’ll miss your stories. I’ll miss fighting with you.

I’ll miss your deep voice. I’ll miss knowing you.

I’ll miss hearing your smile through the phone. I’ll miss you calling me on your lunch break.

I’ll miss falling asleep to your text messages. I’ll miss waking up to your text messages.

I will miss everything so fucking much.

God, it’s really over.

My heart is so heavy.

It is so so tired.

–S.

Black Boots.

2014.

I’m driving home.

It’s 2:32 in the morning.

It’s chilly in Texas now.

More late at night than during any other time of the day.

I wonder what the weather is like where you are. I turn the radio on, and I hear Justin Timberlake taking back the night.

I wonder what you’re listening to nowadays. Are you playing your piano?

I turn the radio off. I don’t want to take back this night. It’s beautiful. I want to burn it into my memory forever. It’s truly been special and I haven’t done anything special in quite some time. When I am wearing my faux leather black boots, I feel like I can do anything. I wore them tonight. If we still spoke, you’d know about them. I would have sent you a picture. I was dressed in all black with touches of gold jewelry. I felt sexy and mysterious all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it.

I laughed a lot tonight. Real laughter. I meant all of it.

And there was this moment when I was driving home, and the air was blowing aggressively against my face, that I missed you.

I really really missed you.

I wondered if you were at work maybe thinking of me too.

I wanted you to wrap your words around me and bring me warmth the rest of the car ride home.

I wanted you to lay me down on my pillow and sing me to sleep.

Your deep low timbre.

I would do anything to hear your smile – even over the telephone.

I don’t even need to see it, it would be enough.

Just to know that it was my smile. For me. Because of me.

If it’s cold where you are, I wish you warmth.

I wish you the sun.

–S.

I remember those faux leather black boots. I wore them into another love story. They were my favorite boots to dance in downtown. Eventually – one of them started coming apart and I would use black tape to keep it together. I was wearing them in dimly lit bars and clubs, but also didn’t give a fuck if anyone noticed the tape.

I loved those black boots. I LIVED in those black boots.

RIP Faux Leather Black Boots.

You are the Sun.

You are the sun creeping up and over the city early every morning.

You are staying up too late during summer break.

You are laughter when I didn’t know it was possible.

You are the warmth deep in my belly reminding me how lucky we are and have been.

When I was younger – I didn’t understand how important it was to be around you – to be present for all of your big moments in life.

Thank you for all of the lessons I have received in return for those I have taught you.

You are the breeze during every spring, the heat in every summer, the wind in the fall, and the cold air coming out of our lungs every winter.

You are everywhere.

You brought life into our family.

A promise saying that each day no matter how hard or long ends in at least a laugh or two.

I didn’t really know what it was like to REALLY love a person until I met you.

–S.