Brother’s 12th Birthday Card.

From 3 years ago.

Could you do something for me? Could you just hold on a second? Stop growing for a minute. Stay innocent a moment longer.

I’m not ready because I know what’s out there. I know that the world can break your heart a million ways to Sunday. And if I could somehow make it so, I’d shield you from it forever. I’d keep you in a bubble, so that I’d never have to see you hurt, down, or crying.

But then I’d be doing the world a disservice. Because your heart is one of a kind. I know that maybe I’m a little biased because you’re my baby brother. But I’ve seen you hold the door open for those who don’t have the same physical abilities we do. I’ve seen you cry at a Sarah McLaughlin commercial. I’ve heard your jokes. I’ve listened to you singing your favorite songs. I’ve seen you doing something you love. I’ve heard you laugh. I’ve seen your concentration when you draw. I’ve heard your hilarious comebacks when playing video games. I’ve seen your eyes light up when you’re building a Lego set. I’ve seen you love on a kitten. I’ve been amazed by your understanding of equality and the wisdom you possess beyond your years.

We never tried to shield you. We let you find your own opinions. Your own way.

And I know you’re going to be okay. Because you’re one of those people who is unapologetically themselves. A light in a too often dim world. A candle lighting the rest of the candles. A sparkler shooting sparks after the rest of the fireworks have died down.

But could you do something for me?

Could you just hold on a second?

I love you, E.

–S.

Pops.

You are the strongest, toughest, funniest person that I know.

I can’t imagine a world you’re not a part of.

One where I don’t get to see your nostrils flare or hear your funny comeback.

One where I don’t get to see you loving mom or brother.

Knowing you’re somewhere living, breathing, loving, and laughing gives me the strength to always do the best that I can even when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

–S.

The Men I’ve Met.

For me, love, above all else, should inspire.

I haven’t met that man yet.

I’ve met the childish one that wants you to do everything for him.

I’ve met not ready, but plays with the idea of being ready.

I’ve met can’t talk about my feelings.

I’ve met unfaithful.

I’ve met blame everything on you.

I’ve met can’t have an adult conversation/argument without mentioning a break-up.

I’ve met childhood trauma that they haven’t healed from yet.

I’ve met you should’ve stayed the fuck away from me.

I’ve met the alcoholic.

I’ve met I’m just wasting your time until the next best thing comes along.

I’ve met I just want somebody – it doesn’t really matter if its you.

But I have YET to meet – because of my love, I inspire you, daily, to be a better you.

And that’s okay.

Did I mention I was 31, and that most days I feel like I don’t have a damn thing figured out.

Be patient.

Don’t rush it.

It’s coming.

–S.

Overnight Bags.

You make me happy.

I don’t know why I can’t just shut off my brain and keep my heart working instead.

Scientifically, because one cannot function without the other.

I want to be one in this happiness. I want to live in it.

I want to dwell in it, but my brain develops pictures of the future, and I can’t see you in them.

I’ve packed your bags, although you’ve just arrived.

They say what we love, we leave behind.

Maybe, I just won’t tell you that I love you.

–S.

As Deep as the Ocean.

My heart is heavy tonight because I realize that it may never happen again.

Not that I want it to, but I may never find another connection like the one that I have with my best friend who moved away.

Not that I’m searching, but we live in that kind of society now.

Maybe it’s the generation that I am a part of.

I went out to eat with someone today – which I don’t do often these days – and they seemed so disinterested in what I had to say.

I’d say things that I’d tell her.

I’d refer to things that she would know.

Only to find out what I already knew – that this person wasn’t her.

We like superficial things now. We interact with people at work. We interact with people at school. We interact with people at the grocery store. We interact with people at the drive-thru. But anything more than this – is simply too much for you to ask us to do.

It’s too deep.

Depth scares us.

If there is no depth, it’s easier for you to rid yourself of that person.

It breaks my heart that lifetime friendships are a rarity in this day and age.

We meet seasonal people – over and over again.

We all search for it.

Connections.

Our Heart – Our Soul – Our Spirit – Our Mind.

They all yearn to be connected to something. Not necessarily romantic in nature. But just simply the comfort of knowing that one day you might not have a god damn thing to say or won’t know how to say what you need to say and that person will understand completely.

For generations to come, I wish you friendships with the depth of an ocean.

–S.

Ghost Stories.

I am walking with your ghost again,

through fields filled with weeds, abandoned store parking lots, and cemeteries you now call home.

I am walking with your ghost again,

through empty playgrounds, the haunted city asylum, and the forest where you told me your first secret.

I am walking with your ghost again, through buildings where our laughter no longer echoes, on rusty train tracks, to the last place we were whole.

I am walking with your ghost again,

but you are fading as the sun is climbing the sky.

I am walking along again,

bracing myself for your millionth goodbye.

–S.

A Texas Summer.

That summer, he shaved his beard off.

She cut her hair.

Running his hand through her short hair, he said ”I loved your long hair, why did you cut it?”

She laughed and said, ”I tried to cut you out of it,” with sad eyes.

And he stared at her – like he’d tried to cut her out of his beard, too.

–S.

I hope you find your love song.

At the end of the day – as much as I hate to say it – we are not meant for each other.

It would be unfortunate for us to force something that was never meant to be.

When love comes for me, I won’t have to enhance it by painting it more beautifully in my mind.

Love will paint me – in brighter colors, I will be born again.

Although it was never me, I hope you find whatever it is you’re searching for.

I wish your heart peace, and I hope you’re able to trust another with your heart.

Love is not meant to be a one-sided emotion. That’s why it hurts so much for many of us, you know? When you are in love together, that’s what the songs are about.

I know that music is very important to you – as it is for me.

So, I hope you find your love song. May it never lose its charm.

Each time you play it, may it bring you every last feeling and sensation that you felt the very first time you heard it.

–S.

Dreaming.

I dreamed that we could always be that close.

That I would always be the one that your heart desired, that it loved.

That we played together, that we laughed.

That when one of us was down, the other was always around to bring them up.

I dreamed of giving my virginity to you.

of you being the one for me, forever.

Just one. The first and the last.

I dreamed of you as the perfect husband and devoted father.

Affectionate.

I dreamed that our chemistry never faded.

That it always burned as brightly as it ever did.

I dreamed your laugh forever.

I dreamed your smile.

I dreamed your love.

I dreamed your touch.

I dreamed your weight on top of me.

–S.