I run.
I turn every corner.
Mix up the number of lefts,
and the number of rights.
Down the hills,
and up the stairs in flights.
I run,
but it doesn’t matter how many turns,
or how fast – even when my sides burn,
because I always run right into myself.
I change up the paths, but they’re never any help.
–S.
Do you think you could love me just like this?
with acne scars that are hard not to notice.
Do you think you could love me just like this?
with internal monologues that don’t lean towards bliss.
Do you think you could love me just like this?
with eyes reflecting murky brown irises.
Do you think you could love me just like this?
with big wrists.
Do you think you could love me just like this?
with a tendency to vanish.
Do you think you could love me just like this?
Oh, how I wish.
–S.
I open my purse, and all that is left is a sigh.
In the pocket, a voice whispering why.
In a tin, a few tears collected from a recent cry.
And a list,
with lie,
after lie,
after lie.
–S.
Unrequited,
can we quiet,
all the voices in my head?
Unrequited,
can we quiet,
the feelings I have for you instead?
Unrequited,
can we quiet,
all the shit that we ever said?
Unrequited,
can we quiet,
the fantasies of you in my head?
Unrequited,
can we quiet,
never mind, I just want it all dead.
–S.
I’ve been lying again.
I know we’re trying again,
but I can’t let the past go.
We both know.
I feel like I’m dying again,
I’ve been crying again,
but I try my best to not let it show.
–S.
I drive by your old house.
I’m looking in every window.
I’m still trying to find myself, didn’t you know?
You’re moved on,
and you’re married.
I don’t love you anymore,
but it’s the feeling of being abandoned,
that I’ve still carried.
You’re hiking trails state-to-state now,
with only one backpack in tow.
I’m now a bag lady, didn’t you know?
I’m still carrying everything that you left behind.
You’re no longer on my mind,
but I still drive by your old house.
I’m looking in every window.
I’m still trying to find myself, didn’t you know?
–S.
You take my virginity on a mattress, with no bedframe.
You tell me who I am as if I have no name.
You hit things around me, filling me with shame.
I don’t know how to win any of your mind games.
When you’re done with me, you leave faster than you came.
–S.
Did you miss me?
Did you still want to kiss me?
Two yesses and everything is hazy.
Only you, make me this crazy.
No need to hide it,
they’ve certified it.
White room,
white jacket,
my heart,
you attack it.
–S.
You’re the monster under my bed,
the nightmare in my head,
the feeling in total darkness – of dread,
my closet filled with regret,
the reason I pled.
–S.
You view me.
You want to ruin me.
You chase me.
You scare me.
You analyze me.
You paralyze me.
You kill me.
You haunt me.
–S.
The Messy Middle 🖤 